New Hire Orientation Pillows

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

Meet the new factory manager.

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

"Providing great customer care is of course important, but shall we start with how you manage forms TG-45S through to NSD-89b."

"Hope you like working here. You'll find this place runs like clockwork!"

'Right, I hope that gives you an idea of what the work is about, any questions?'

Rail travel - the environmental alternative (that sometimes doesn't allow bikes)

"I got the promotion. Instead of Wednesdays, I'm now the one who gets blamed when things go wrong on Tuesdays."

'You seem young, Perkins. Why, I bet I was incarcerated before you were even born.'

"We're a family here and you'll be like a son to me - illegitimate, of course."

"This is my first day. I don't have any yet."

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

"Just great...on my first day on the job."

'Andrews, a parking space will be assigned to you in a day or two.'

'It's taken me time to adjust to the different management style here.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"I need to recover from working from home with the family around me 24 hours a day. . . that's why I'm living here in the office for a while."

"They might tell you that starting out down here is standard procedure, but it isn't."

"Welcome to the team. Now put on your Groupthing Glasses!"

'I've been disorientated since my employee orientation program.'

"Hold on, Brandon. Let your probationary period expire before you start microwaving fish."

'I really should have paid more attention to the company's health care coverage options before I accepted a job here.'

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

'What's job security like around here? Well, I wouldn't bother taking off my hat or coat.'

Day One of training for the typical new worker.

"Welcome to the team, you'll mainly be working from home and just popping into the office every few weeks for a bit of chitchat and bonhomie."

'Careful. You still have that new-employee smell.'

"Everybody says this is an awesome company to work for once you get through the probationary period!"

"You'll be fine, just act like you know what you're doing - that's what everyone else does."

"You fed me tuna and cleaned my litter box, Harris, and I'm not going to forget it."