New Employee Pillows

"Big day, Haskins. The training wheels come off.",

'If the total is wrong, is the whole thing wrong?'

'Now, now, Mancini, we all have to start somewhere!'

"You'll fit in just fine."

'You said you wanted to start off at the top, well, I agree. I'm having your desk moved up here as we speak.'

'You'll like working for me, everybody does.'

'Like I promised, an office with a washroom!'

"Hold on, Brandon. Let your probationary period expire before you start microwaving fish."

'We discourage the question, 'Is it Friday yet?'. Especially considering it's your first day on the job.'

"Here's how to fit in: overstress, overthink, and wine about everything."

"Are you the new employee?"

'Ted, meet Sneeze-A-Lot, Bad Cough, and Tummy Rumble. I'm bad with names but I never forget a bodily function.'

"Welcome aboard. Here're your ID, your door code, and your antacid."

"I'm not cut out for this job."

"Here's your job description. As you grow in your new job, so will this."

"Should I be concerned by paycheck is in the form of a gift card?"

"I've produced a bar chart to show how well you`re fitting into the company."

I know I'm new here, but I think your ideas are the best JB.

"We're a family here and you'll be like a son to me - illegitimate, of course."

Day One of training for the typical new worker.

She was going to love working there.

'Careful. You still have that new-employee smell.'

"Mr. Barkley, as this is your first day of work, I give you the honor of leading our discussion on how the compnay can navigate at the intersection of strategic planning, brand architecture and program management."

"This will be your office, Pemberton."

Experienced, Nervous, Chilled Out.

"This is my first day. I don't have any yet."

"I'm the new hire from college. You forgot to assign any homework."

"I take it that you're new here - otherwise you'd know that 'one big happy family' is merely a figure of speech."

"Welcome to the team, you'll mainly be working from home and just popping into the office every few weeks for a bit of chitchat and bonhomie."

"Welcome to the company, Barnes. All we have to do now is mark you with our brand."

"Providing great customer care is of course important, but shall we start with how you manage forms TG-45S through to NSD-89b."

"Remember how I told you to regard this company as family when we hired you? Prepare for some serious familial dysfunction."

"My first day was unusual. There was no one there to show me around so I had to just poke around and familiarise myself with the place."

'This is my first day on the job. Is anything okay?'

"Welcome to the team. Now put on your Groupthing Glasses!"