Job Orientation Gifts

'I've been disorientated since my employee orientation program.'

'I see you've heard how we treat 'outsiders'.'

'Right, I hope that gives you an idea of what the work is about, any questions?'

"And just as a heads up, if at any point during your time here I ask 'Can I talk to you for a minute', you should probably just start packing up your stuff."

'Freshfields are spending three weeks telling staff about the benefits of working there.'

"I don't remember if I told the new coworker about the no-extra-hours policy."

"My assistant will give the new employee orientation which is showing you where the bathroom is located."

I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead but the opportunity never presented itself.

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

'Manager. . . Commander. . . Chieftain. . . King!'

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

'I'll be late for dinner, dear, I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

Work Parfait

'They sold the company in 2001? I was wondering why things were slow.'

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'I had a thought. Let's scrap everything and start a new fiscal year right now.'

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

"Welcome aboard. We will endeavor to treat you with dignity and respect. Now get you and your stupid face out of my office."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'