Nervous Humorist Pillows

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

"Honey, where did you put my Green Lantern cufflinks?!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I don't know what I'm going to do...my presentation is due on Monday and I haven't even started...I'm not sure I know how to speak."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I've thought about what you said, about how plate tectonics will kill us all!"

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Most people would jump at an opportunity like this."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Maybe Earth's primordial soup did contain polyester."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Paunch and Judy.

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.