Nervous Humor Fan Pillows

'I'm shaking a bit!'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

Introducing...Anagraman.

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

'Check out the old dude.'

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

Next year, we are NOT going to Costco.

"Got any bathtub gin?"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"POOPIN'! It's the Butt Signal!"

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

The Pencil and Sharpener

'F-E-E-D-T-H-E-D-O-G . . . Hey that's spooky! Why would your granddad say that?'

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).

"What? Don't yuck my yum!"

Hot cross buns

"It all started when I read somewhere that happiness is an inside job. Naturally, I assumed some breaking and entering was involved."

"Hold on... did you mean to hit Snooze or Jazz?"

Crash Test Dummy Blues

'I like the litter box...but the pool has gotta go !'

An Extraordinary Pointer

'...And the best he can do is a bunch of gophers?'

"What if the cat stuck in the tree has a gun? Is that an emergency?"

"See what you get for thinking outside the fishbowl!"