Neighborhood Bar Regular Gifts

I'm earlier than usual this evening due to an elevated level of chatter at home.

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

'Henderson always walks away with the neighborhood pumpkin carving contest.'

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"It's a full moon somewhere."

"From the gentleman at the end of the bar. Again."

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

'Do you realize he barked all last night?'

"I said 'neighborhood watch'; they said 'peeping Tom.' "

"Okay, if it hits the wall it's a triple, and if it goes through Mr. Baker's window, that's a home run."

"I love blue Martinis. It's like the fifties and the nineties all mixed up together."

"Is it horny in here, or is it just me?"

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

Hal is such a nice guy, every dog in the neighborhood brings him slippers.

'He's so proud - We've got the best collection of weeds in the street!'

"Lemonade" "Vodka"

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Me, I love vacuuming: it makes the dog next door barking mad! Works every time..."

'John... is that a collar?'

'This place looks welcoming enough,Alf!'

Eating the Cocktail Olive

"I walk into their yard every few days and knock over their trash. How do you know the Johnsons?"

'Your neighbor wanted me to break up a wild party, but actually, I find this a congenial affair,'

Man at bar: 'Drinking to forget?' Other man: 'Don't remind me!'

"My family clapped louder than your family!"

Interrupted Shower.

"Regular, grande, or lemon latte?"

'Frankly, I'm looking for someone who's tall, dark and solvent.'

'My mom wants to know if she can borrow a cup of high-fructose corn syrup.'

"Ha!...I'd like to see the Jones' trying to beat our display this year!"

'Bartender! Will you please explain why my gaze has fallen upon a piece of wall not plastered with a blaring high-def TV???'

Snow Plowing

'My job is safe. This guy is a regular and he drinks to forget.'