Near-death Experience Gifts

"Once you've been caught in the headlights life seems somehow inexorably changed."

'Another stupid near-death experience. Try not to take it personally.'

Cards For All Occasions.

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

Saved...life is good!

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"The Lord brings people together for reasons only he knows."

'It could be hours, or it could be weeks. He's determined to hang on until he finally understands the punchline to a joke everybody else got at a cocktail party in 1947!'

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"Just think of all the cigarettes I could have smoked."

Heaven

'We're cutting you some slack because you just died but normally we frown on devil's food.'

Tom's last day.

Closed Thursdays.

"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."

Harvey before and after.

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

"Dad and his stupid bucket list."

"Now there's one less conspiracy theorist in the world - or is there?"

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

I don't care if you did win the bloody X-Factor. You're dealing with the H-Factor here.

"If I could pick just one keepsake, I think it would be the mutual funds."

"Hurry - get the family. I think he's about to communicate his final angry retweet."

"I suggest you say your final 'I told you so'."

Man flying to heaven on small angel wings

"Have a seat!"

"On the other hand, voting to fund disaster relief would violate my conservative principles."

"Got it!"

'You're six months late. I hope you brought a note from your doctor.'

"He was a prolific writer who made a lot of mistakes and eventually lost his mind. It all sounds so pointless."

'Are you going to keep that silly mustache for all eternity?'

"Did you do all of this for me?"

"I've always thought it was eerie. He expired the same day as his Visa card."

'I wish I had learned more trivia.'