Navigating A Breakup Pillows

"You don't keep an orgasm diary do you? My last girlfriend kept an orgasm diary."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

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'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

Well, if being married isn't grounds for divorce, I'd like to know what is"

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

A man sews broken hearts back together.

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"And should you get divorced, promise you won't sue me."

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"You've got to learn to let go."

A woman buries her broken heart

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

'I couldn't run away with you. I feel I would be depriving a village of its idiot!'

Boyfriend Shirt.

"You came back!"

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

'Right now I'm on a 'man diet'. No more boyfriends until I lose twenty pounds.'

Outside the Divorce Court.

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

"Susan!...are you trying to tell me we have an interface problem?"

'When my psychiatrist told my wife that I had a split perosnality, guess what she did?'

"I feel like Brunnhilde, but in 'The Kentucky Cycle.'"

"I'm a dish, not a bowl. This was never going to work."