Dealing With A Breakup Pillows

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'What did Minnehaha say when you asked her out?' 'She laughed in my face.'

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Large Emoticon Collider

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

A man sews broken hearts back together.

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"You've got to learn to let go."

"I think we should each try other beers."

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

"Honestly, I'm not sure I even know who every one of you are anymore."

A woman buries her broken heart

'I couldn't run away with you. I feel I would be depriving a village of its idiot!'

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

'Right now I'm on a 'man diet'. No more boyfriends until I lose twenty pounds.'

"You came back!"

"I need a hug."

Sleep Clinic. ZZZZZZ. We can tell a lot about somebody's sleep by the sounds they make. This subject is experiencing normal, restful sleep. YYYYYY. He's having fitful sleep because his girlfriend dumped him. MMMMMM. It looks a lot like he's having a dream about a delicious meal. BBBBBB. This gardener is having a nightmare about disturbing a hive. And what's happening here? I think he's look forward to "talk like a pirate day"! RRRRRR.

"Okay, these are the documents we need to sue your ex for child support, and if we can convince the court it's not too out off line, to have the words, 'lying, cheating b*****d' tattooed on his forehead."

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

"Oh, god. . . not another night at home watching Ingmar Bergman films!"

Carol sensed some negative vibes from her date when he pulled out a laptop and began perusing other women's profiles.

"I'm leaving and I'm taking your iTunes with me."

'Then, just when I lost twenty pounds and was voted tops in my gym class he ran off with the fatso next door!'

"You lying fink! Your dating profile specifically stated you were a non smoker!!"

Ducttape Man! I'll mend your broken heart!

"I'm a dish, not a bowl. This was never going to work."