Navigating A Breakup Prints

"You don't keep an orgasm diary do you? My last girlfriend kept an orgasm diary."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Large Emoticon Collider

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

Well, if being married isn't grounds for divorce, I'd like to know what is"

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"And should you get divorced, promise you won't sue me."

"You've got to learn to let go."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

"Honestly, I'm not sure I even know who every one of you are anymore."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

"I think we should each try other beers."

A woman buries her broken heart

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

'I'd like to return this, it turns out my wife bought one last week.'

Boyfriend Shirt.

'Right now I'm on a 'man diet'. No more boyfriends until I lose twenty pounds.'

Outside the Divorce Court.

'I couldn't run away with you. I feel I would be depriving a village of its idiot!'

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

"I need a hug."

Sleep Clinic. ZZZZZZ. We can tell a lot about somebody's sleep by the sounds they make. This subject is experiencing normal, restful sleep. YYYYYY. He's having fitful sleep because his girlfriend dumped him. MMMMMM. It looks a lot like he's having a dream about a delicious meal. BBBBBB. This gardener is having a nightmare about disturbing a hive. And what's happening here? I think he's look forward to "talk like a pirate day"! RRRRRR.

"You came back!"

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

"Susan!...are you trying to tell me we have an interface problem?"

Carol sensed some negative vibes from her date when he pulled out a laptop and began perusing other women's profiles.

"I feel like Brunnhilde, but in 'The Kentucky Cycle.'"