Nature Prediction Pundit Pillows

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

Another long day down at the Bureau of Earthquake Prediction.

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"I think we have run out of time..."

How Glaciations Begin

'Dear, you can't blame this on global warming...you overcooked the fish.'

"I've always wondered, do light years have half the calories of regular years?"

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

Davos.

"Fact amnesty"

"It really was a no-brainer, selling drilling rights at the North Pole."

Conservatives' Golden Economic Legacy

'You realize, of course, Death is the ultimate tax shelter?'

"Apparently there's been a slowdown in China."

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'Well, the weather was terrible, but the buffet was AMAZING!! They had EVERYTHING!!'

"I told you we came back too early...I'm freezing my tail feathers off!"

"It's 40 degrees in Europe. Maybe we should take that Paris trip we always talk about, and get away from this oppressive heat."

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

'Illegal immigrants, if you ask me.'

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

'I need a loan that would make me too big to fail.'

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"Oh goodie, more snow! How frickin' original!!!"

Major Wall Street players.

"It was around here we felt the force of el nino."