Nature-loving Gourmand T-Shirts

'The TZ90C with triple boosted propane burners and a titanium mesh grill with carbon fibre casings is the only way to guarantee that genuine back to nature outdoor flavour.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Isn't it great to get out of the kitchen and cook in the fresh air!"

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"I remember his last words were, 'Another bite and I'll burst!'..."

Holiday Supplies

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

Civilized Salmon

Join me for dinner?

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Haute Chinese

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Pass the grey stuff.'

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

Cut out and keep your own Chef

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

'Is it organic?'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

Sawdust.

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

'You don't appreciate anything I cook!'

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

"Chef, we've run out of terracotta roof tiles!"

"When I eat out, I like to order something I would never make at home."

"I'm sorry, but Chef Scott feels he's moved beyond that concept."