Narrative Crafters Gifts

'We have good news and bad news. The good news is we've developed a credible spin for the bad news...'

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Now that I can talk, here's my speaking fee."

Noah's life jacket demonstration

"He was a big man, but he moved like a cat."

"Today in school we learned how to glue!"

'We have to forfeit, Three of our players got squashed on the way over here,'

'Like it? I LOVED it! The narrative gripped me from the first sentence and didn't let go until the final, heart-stopping page! And the CHARACTERS! Without question, Harris, this is the finest year-end financial report you've ever written!'

'How about having at least one character who's alive and wearing clothes?'

'Mummy, the review of this book was more interesting.'

Blog Breakdown

'He's narrating it, I just know it.'

"Oh, you haven’t seen holiday drama ‘till you’ve met our little family."

John Galsworthy

"Tell us again — a little less graphic."

Toni Morrison

The Remote Olympics

Rudy, I loved your memoir. It was fascinating. The way you overcame huge odds to invent the computer. How you went on to protect us from government surveillance. You know none of it's true. The way you swore yourself to humility. People so want to believe a good story.

"They're perfect astronauts. Fast velocity followed by a long, slow pace."

"These are my windscreen credits."

"You know, it's a picture book. Needless to say, it doesn't have a lot of narrative scope."

"Always exaggerate. It makes life seem more interesting."

"Well, I've been struggling to write a book about my struggle to write a book..."

"We love your manuscript! It's exactly the sort of big, sprawling epic we've been looking for!"

"It hasn't been published yet. Bloody idiots wouldn't recognize a great book if it jumped up and bit them on the ass."

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

Favorite Selections from 800,000 Things To Do With a Scarf

"Okay, the mice can be blind, but if we introduce a carving knife, we'll have to use it in the third stanza."

"I was writing a novel based on the idea of a man suffering from déjà vu, until I realised it had been done before."

Great literary festival heckles.

'Read me the one about the three homeless little pigs.'

Kid imagines shop project getting an A; teacher imagines the same project in his fireplace.

"I love my unreliable narrator. You?"

"Your life's story lacks a protagonist."