Mystical Satirist Gifts

Census Infinity.

Priest's 'To do' list.

'...We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause..."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

'I don't know which was prettier - the meteor shower or the cascade of flaming space junk.'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'Because the horned one commands them to, that's how!'

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

The Ten Really Cool Facts

"That's Bob. He's a bit of a wing nut."

'Even More Disciples'

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

"Whew! What a day! I just get out of bed and all Hell breaks loose."

"Couldn't you just set up a facebook page or a blog?"

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

'Secondhand smoke.'

"I'll take new members any way I can get them."

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

"He wants us to start calling him 'Head Honcho'."

'How long do we have to get in compliance?'

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full if you have a case."

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

Out for lunch... GOD

'Sorry, pastor, your soul's grace period is eternity, your car's is six minutes.'