Mystical Enthusiast Gifts

'Know your future - palmistry, tarot cards, DNA screening'

'For $50, I predict your future. Act now and I'll even throw in a few self-fulfilling prophecies.'

Would that be 'net' or 'gross'?

"Your husband will meet a violent end."

'Reeta can tell your fortune from your bank statements.'

"I see a pretty lady who looks a lot like you....a very kind lady...and she's adopting what appears to be a box of adorable kittens!"

"You'll continue to be a disappointment to your mother."

Astral Projecting Babushkas

"I'm sorry, tallish, swarthy and so-so is the best I can do."

"£80 for a crystal ball?? They must've seen you coming. . . !"

"You're going to make someone very happy. That will be ninety-five pounds, please."

"You have a very long fault line. That's why your hands are trembling."

"Wow. That guy on psychic chat line is really good. He told me our next phone bill would be bigger than usual!"

'Hold it right there, pal! I had a vision that your check is going to bounce, so you can just head right back to your car!'

'Goddam Terrorists!'

'You are going on a long journey... probably by ship.'

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school. (Published originally on March 13, 2008.)

Three balls...no waiting.

'You have a very long lifeline.'

Palm reader: 'You are going on a short journey.'

'She's such a know-it-all.'

'You will meet a tall, handsome psychologist who will teat your gullibility.'

'Can I borrow a cuppa tealeaves,dearie?

Voted #1 in accurate credit score predictions.

"My crystal ball's algorithms say your computer's algorithms are off."

A Palm reader reading her palm with the aid of a battery powered night light

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

'The cutbacks begin to affect wizards.'

"So how much money have you made from your psychic hotline business?"

Sometimes it's easy to see if a swamp creature is on vacation.

"Did you have a cat?"

'I'm sorry, Madam Zola. I'm afraid you no longer have second sight.'

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'