Mystic In Training Gifts

"We'll start with the basics - Sit down and shut up."

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"Mrs. Marsha Mullhouse, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, asks, "Are You subject to the laws of physics, or are the laws of physics subject to You?"

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

'There is no past. No future. Only the present, which is changing every instant. Time is merely an illusion. Got it?'

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

"I see a pretty lady who looks a lot like you....a very kind lady...and she's adopting what appears to be a box of adorable kittens!"

"Finally, Miss Big-Shot calls her dead mother!"

'I'm sorry, Madam Zola. I'm afraid you no longer have second sight.'

"Did you have a cat?"

'I want to find out what the formula was I wrote yesterday on the blackboard and was erased by the custodian.'

"So how much money have you made from your psychic hotline business?"

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

"We're having a special today on bright futures."

'You will meet a sexy, honest fortune teller who will take all your money!'

A voodoo doctor.

"OK, now what's the meaning of the other eight?"

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'

Cat Seance

Nikolay Rerih

Ill next Thursday

They say animals have the sixth sense and the talent to look into the future...

'I really don't know how you got here with your life line!'

I channeled John Dewey. He says if you want to be a good teacher, don't teach reading and writing. Teach students.

Amateur Palmist

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

"Okay brother Bickle, you can keep your underpants on"

"Not lengthways you idiot!!"

Hog Futures

'Ha Ha! Stop seeing astrally and look behind you, Bob!'

'You will be reincarnated as someone who undergoes past life regression.'

'Hold it right there, pal! I had a vision that your check is going to bounce, so you can just head right back to your car!'

Fortunes. Tarot. Palms. You punched the fortune teller just because he was smiling? I always wanted to strike a happy medium.