Mustache Maestro Gifts

Not many people pulled off the Movember look this well!

Do you think glasses make people look smarter? That depends, little buddy. The glasses must be small, to give you the illusion of a larger noggin. The rims must be thick enough to hide any dullard-like facial expressions, to create the illusion of perceptivity. And lastly, one must never speak, lest we say something dumb and ruin the illusions. What if I also wore a big bushy mustache to muffle my words?

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

Your Guide to Winning Movember

'I don't normally like men with a mustache.'

Fifty ways to style your nasal hair.

Man needs bait. Pulls fish-shaped mustache off face and applies it to hook.

New Fads For The Handlebar Mustache

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'Still not ready to talk? Ok dip him again.'

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

"Sorry...but until we fix the cloaking device, this will have to do."

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

"I guess someone got up on the wrong side of the podium today."

A family with mustaches talking on their cellphones.

"If I knew when this was going to end, it wouldn't be so stressful."

"Billy's room gets cleaned for free! The cleaning service uses it to train employees how to clean a hazardous waste dump."

'Are you done yet?'

The day Bob finally understood radiation of species.

"If I put mustaches on all of us, we look more like a team."

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

Edward Elgar.

"Wow! You're a real good guesser, mom...that's exactly what we had at Jonny's party! Spaghetti an' cake an' ice cream!"

"This is my man cave."

Phone solicitors like customers who are afraid to hang up.

Two men discussing thier moustaches

"You must be new around here, pardner."

Friedrich Nietzsche

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

'If you increase the magnification another million times you can see the safety regulations.'

Old School Mustaches

Harrison Ford, no question. Tom Selleck. Without a doubt. I don't care if they did offer Selleck the role first, Ford was a much better "Indiana Jones." I don't care if they did offer Selleck the role first, Ford was a much better "Indiana Jones." Ford was ok, but his character was less that manly. What are you talking about? That's ridiculous! Harrison Ford was the definition of eighties manliness! You're telling me the "definition of eighties manliness" could run around the world for weeks and

The Cartoonist's armoury

"Richard P. Ruggles—a man and his mantelpiece."