Mushing Fanatic Pillows

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Laughing Zone Ahead

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

"Sorry. My blood sugar has just been running a little low lately."

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

"That explains all the cavities."

"Whether we refer to them as lakes or ponds, it's mere semantics."

Do you like my bling?

"I'm taking a gap year and then getting my Master's in Fetching and Staying."

Floss Street Vendor

Street painter puts real face on man with happy face.

Mummy Tourists

"You need a mint."

Things you forgot to tell me about getting older: "You're going to need bigger tooth floss."

'With proper flossing there's no reason for hens to not have teeth.'

Mummy Toilet Roll.

"I want you to meet these guys-they've got the hottest new stupid thing on the Internet."

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"I was building up my pecs."

"I'll take your word for it. You don't have to show me your used floss."

'It sold for how much!'

"True, you have irreconcilable differences, but they're mainly about flossing."

"Do you know what time they open love?"

"Ugh! Damn floss..."

"He'll have to call you back. He's just now jumping in the shower."

' ... plus you need to floss better.'