Museum Hound Gifts

"She's complaining about indecent exposure again."

Love a Mutt

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'Cheryl, you are getting way too wrapped up in the dog.'

News and Magazines. Tax Bill Debate. The trickle-down can never compete with siphon-up.

Woman is shocked at seeing her weight, she doesn't realise that her dog is also on the scales.

'Ere-we distinctly asked for SAM an' Ella!'

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

Hair of the dog spots: christmas jumper

"Consider yourself chased."

'Get me a hundred milligrams of Oxycontin... And pick up something for this guy while you're at it.'

'Bob likes to express himself through his art!'

'No need to shout.'

'Good dog!'

'...Basset Hound! Anal sacs!'

"Now that's art!"

'No! That's not a wall safe, it's a porthole!'

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

Dog Training. Most of the choices the dogs made for their book reports are logical. The labrador retriever chose "Catch-22." The terrier, who loves to dig, chose "Journey to the Center of the Earth." The basset hound is doing his on "The Howling." and the shar-pei picked "A Wrinkle in Time." But the dachshund's choice confuses me. Even with the ground-hugging physique, he selected "Wuthering Heights."

'When they start calling you a splendid bird, you know you're in trouble.'

Canine Scent-ipede

"Is that one of those brandy dogs?"

"And yet, I too am a still life."

'Eject! Eject, eject eject!! Aw crimony. I've hit the button 6 or 7 times, Cap'n. And the darned CD still won't come out.'

Lawyer to client: 'Yes, your turnover at the pastry shop would fall under tort law.'

"What's so amazing? It's a paint by the numbers artist kit."

'I knew him before he became a police dog!'

"Funny how he always goes in the same spot."

Please Do Not Pounce on Art

'Why good dogs go bad.'

"She's a model dog, alright. When she's not on a catwalk, she demands a lot of attention, requires constant grooming, and is a picky eater."

'It's only a checkup!'

"Looks like they're going to have a dog fight."

"I'm the owner of Happy Pappy's comedy club. Here's my card. Call me."