Mortgage Humorist Pillows

'Let's see, no current job, no job history, dicey credit report, congratulations Ed, you're approved!'

'Okay, wipe that 30-year fixed scowl off your face, and give us your short-term adjustable grin!'

'I'm sorry, but without a significant deposit, we can't give you a mortgage.'

'Our mortgage is now owned by a guy named Lenny the Squid in bayonne, N.J.'

Not expected to be easily approved for a mortgage.

"We have the perfect plan for you. It's the mortgaged to the eyeballs plan."

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

Will work for ETFs

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

Money Bar.

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

But under a different accounting convention ...

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'You've been pre-approved for another credit card.'

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'