Mortality Humorist Pillows

"We weren't told you had a sick note."

Zombie standup

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"You run into a window, too?"

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

Game time.

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

Apocalliptical

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

Death Watch

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

"Pop, what part of ‘rest in peace’ don’t you understand?!"

"I'll have whatever they're having."

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

Special Place in Hell...

'We are the last Dodos on the planet, so I've put all of our eggs safely into this basket...'

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

"Well he was there a minute ago!"

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

Old man watering Death.

"Snake eyes again!"

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

Rocket charmer.

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

"They’re burying him with his Xanax."