Afterlife Humorist Pillows

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

"But the best part of all this is that I can FINALLY quit worrying about whether I've saved enough money for retirement!"

'He's never satisfied - Now he says that walking around on soggy clouds gives him arthritis.'

'That's nothing - MY ex actually KILLED me!'

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"Remember me?"

'Sorry. No football supporters.'

Man at Heavens gate being asked '...and what about the LBW decision on August 19th 1973...?'

'You must be new here. Most of us just hang around in our bathrobes'

"Soul patch. What do you think?"

'You'll need a username and password to enter...'

Heavens gate 'Please enter, Do not fear to tread'

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

Special Place in Hell...

"Well, I lived on the main road, lung cancer was free. I drunk up the money I had saved."

"These wellies keep my feet nice and dry..!"

'I liked your obituary.'

"No! Bless you!"

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

Heaven on the Phone to Hell - 'We've got Sky.'

"Your browser history tells a very different story."

"I'm seeing a lot of faint praise."

"I'll have whatever they're having."

"Murchison is still in denial."

"Hold up -- there are too many guys in there."

A halo lifts a toupee off an angel.

"You run into a window, too?"

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

"Of course we have unlimited data..."

'Apparently my ex's idea of heaven was to punch me in the eye.'

"Hey you!. . . Get off of my cloud!"

"User name and password?"