Morning Humor Aficionado Gifts

'Household water use'

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Zombie standup

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

"What's a patent?"

Men find this shampoo irresistible. It's called 'Gee, Your Hair Smells Like A New Car'.

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

Love at First Sight

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"Cat box"

Easter Island legs

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

The Fourth Little Pig

"Of all the buildings I've designed, it's probably the most handsome."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"That's not how I sat on you."

"Congratulations, Amruk. You prove they do exist."

"All natural snow cones for sale."

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

"They're so adorable at that age!"

The Ferocious Viking Wiener Dog

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Cut Price

'Only the years when the market was Bullish...'

Pirate Squirrels Looking for Buried Treasure

'I'm not abandoned. I'm a free agent.'

Dogs and their thoughts

Cow jumping over the moonshine.