Moms With Moxie Pillows

"Hell, Mom! How's it look?!" "Holy mackerel."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

'You can fill your teddy bear with stuffing or with a demonic spirit summoned from the nether regions.'

The Mothership

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

Add your kids' ages together...

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'Before you return Principal Harris's phone call, I would like to remind you that having a 'living' dependant is an excellent tax deduction.'

'Oooh, I love what you've done with your hair...That top looks lovely on you and have you lost weight?'

'No,if you'll read the eyes-in-the-back-off-your-head chart, I check your mom vision,'

'I'd really have the jitters if I knew the future, but your mom is supercool!'

'I'm exempt from the company fitness program. I have triplets at home.'

"Mommy needs to get mad at you in a weird calm voice now."

'I don't worry about anything. My Mom does all the worrying for me.'

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

'The more you drink the more I produce.'

"I'm sorry Perkins,but that's one option for childbirth we won't be using."

"I told you I don't make chicken soup! I'm a muse, not a mother!"

'Why should I? He didn't attend the conception.'

"You could say that. I had a D-section."

'It looks like your son hasn't changed his underwear in a year,'

"We're still figuring out how to monetise him."

Big book of daft names for kids.

I have this overwhelming urge to have kids

'Relax, the most important thing is that he drinks his milk, not how.'

'Our infant daughter is veyr active and started to crawl. Do you have one with GPS?'

'Starting from bedrock again, Mom?'

'Mom says she's too busy to read anything right now so I'll just sign her name to my report card.'

Easy birth ATM

'My mom's so overprotective she won't let me run with sharp cheddar in my hands.'

Can you believe we're old enough to have kids taking sex-ed? No! Thank heavens they have a curriculum with all the choices. Although