Modern Morality Gifts

'Bless me, Father, for I have turned 'Safesearch' off.'

Ethics exam cheater.

'It was love at first sight, although he was very pixilated and I was out of focus'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

"Did you get my tweet?"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"If there were really a God, trees would come with outlets and wifi hubs."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Will follow you on social media for food."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

The Evolution Of Man.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

'Nothing about the evils of corporate downsizing?'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

Tunnel of TV

This Is What Moral Corruption Looks Like

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

"I want more than anonymous sex. I want anonymous intimacy."