Modern Marketer Gifts

"We don't make cookies anymore - I'm selling Girl Scout apps."

'Thanks to a little genetec engineering, we can merchandise these fish right on the farm.'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

Lynching on social media

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"So the plan is to fly everyone for free. But we'll charge $400.00 per bag."

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'How fast can you hype?'

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

'Our product flooded the market... Before backing up a deluge of consumer complaints!'

"Greetings, I'm the bluebird of dank memes."

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

Two children are running lemonade stands outside their home; one stand is more popular than the other.

Online form - Submit.

'3 Second Loading Zone.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

Apples for sale

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'I vote we hang the darn thing upside down and go home!'

'We want everyone to remember our name.'

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

Sale on the same stuff as last week.

Sherlock Holmes selling Sherlock Holmes.

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."