Modern Life Mapper Pillows

"Sure I can't pop that in a bag for you, sir?"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

Weird things I do because of the internet

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Did you get my tweet?"

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

No Immediate Danger

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

The Evolution Of Man.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

Tunnel of TV

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

Bashful in Nashville

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"How is it gendered?"

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

"The club scene is really changing."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

Modern Life Blues

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"