Modern Life Mapper Gifts

"Sure I can't pop that in a bag for you, sir?"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

No Immediate Danger

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Did you get my tweet?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

The Evolution Of Man.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Tunnel of TV

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

Bashful in Nashville

"How is it gendered?"

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

"The club scene is really changing."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

Modern Life Blues