Modern Life Juxtaposition Gifts

"You say 'meek,' but your records say 'passive-aggressive.'"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Did you get my tweet?"

The Evolution Of Man.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

'Screen saver. . . or did his computer freeze again?'

Tunnel of TV

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

Early Man Late Man

"You're late, Myers!"

Like.

"I've been wondering if there isn't some way we could capitalize on the cat craze."

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."