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Biological parent's night.

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'We'll never understand these kids. It's the old evolution gap.'

"I was raised in New York and Nancy is from L.A., but we're bringing up the children bicoastal."

"We're having a problem naming him. All the domain names we like are already taken!"

"I like it; but let's make sure we can get the domain name first."

"Don't forget to come back."

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"I get the new phone, Timmy gets my phone, Annie gets his phone, Bobby gets her phone and you get his phone, dad, and you get to pay for it all."

'Mom, Kevin just asked me to live with him!'

'No, the woman of the house is at work. May I help you?'

"I'm strictly yes or no. Alexa and Siri deal with facts. Value judgements we leave to your mother."

"As a blended family, we've learned to set limits. I limit myself to margaritas and he limits himself to mojitos."

"Yea, mom, knows everything...she's momnipotent."

'Typical family rubbish bin if you ask me: No chips, no chocolate, but lots of discarded vegetables...'

"Too bad teenagers don't have a chrysalis stage."

'Food? Do you think I'm the kind of mother that cooks?'

"My son is a millennial—I should just go to jail for him."

"We don't believe in pressuring the children. When the time is right, they'll choose the appropriate gender."

'Neo-extended family'

'This is the only way they'll listen to me.'

"Stop fact-checking my story."

'I don't know...go ask your computer.'

'If they didn't have any parents, who did they blame all their hang-ups on?'

'In vitro fertilization and sperm banks. I remember the old days when you couldn't outsource having kids.'

"Joe and I had 409, 371 children but we never married."

"Mom, I don't like being the oldest child. It's lonely at the top."

"There, there, son, you know your mother and I are always here for you."

"Mommy says she's lived in a cage without bars for years."

"I did it for the money."

"Good night, Mommy. Good night, Daddy."

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"I'd like you to meet my half-brother, Joe."