Modern Family Dynamics Enthusiast Pillows

"They can recognize eight different pings from their apps, but they can't hear me when i ask them eight times to set the table."

Wife and two kids to support, also ex-wife and two kids to support.

"Don't forget to click Reply."

I like the Jets...I guess

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

"Act your birth order!"

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

"Mom, when do I get my own room?"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'Grandparents! This time last year I wasn't good enough to marry your daughter, but now I've fathered the brightest child in the universe!'

"Oh, come on! I've told you, I'm not your 'imaginary friend.' I'm your father."

"Your sister got another promotion."

"Dad, here's that update on my childhood you requested."

What'r We Doing Today, Daddy?

"Now, if only Daddy were rich and Mommy were good-looking, everything would be totally awesome."