Modern Art Dreamers Gifts

The art of painting

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Klimt Kiss Phones

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

'I have a feeling one day when he grows up he'll be an artist of some kind.'

The Cremaster Cycle

'At least I never have to straighten it out.'

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

"You may now kiss the bride."

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

"Still-Life of New Mexican Grilled Quail with Cilantro and Fennel-Flecked Confit."

'And the Dance Scholarship goes to...'

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

"Don't you find her work just so wonderfully liberating!"

The world's most unemployable family

Gianni Tatti's Dining-Room Chair

Woodworms at a sculpture gallery.

Woman throwing giant pot.

Dogs looking at a fire hydrant in an art gallery.

"Their titles from left to right are, 'Holiday in Palm Springs','Next mortgage payment' and 'Deposit on a new Porsche'

'I have one just like this at home. My five year old son painted it.'

Children's imagination

The Abstract, The Modernist, The Avant-Guard.

"Now, is this the kind of painting your Mommy would be proud to post on her Instagram?"

"He had the Guggenheim in mind, I think."

Francoise Gilot

Metropolitan Art Center current exhibit: Father of the Finger-In-Your-Eye School of Modern Art.

'Picasso'