Modern Alchemists Gifts

'The Algenist meets the Alchemist.'

Interdisciplinary studies.

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'What's the big deal about acid rain? Can't we just make alkaline rain to counteract it?'

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

Before they settled on water, shower pioneers experimented with a number of alternatives, including spaghetti,

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

The Brief collaboration Alfred Nobel And Thomas Edison

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

"Well, we got the grant."

"Mr Newton, we have carefully reviewed your work in alchemy and have come to one conclusion: stick to physics.'

'Well, we turned water into wine. Anyone remember how?'

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

"The pH level seems a little off."

'Good - we're finally all on the same rampage.'

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

"You'd be amazed how just a little soybean meal adds to the protein content of powdered bats wing and next tails."

'If this elixir works, I see an over-the-counter version in three years.'

"Maybe we should have tried it on the rats first."

Make your own bottled water.

'Why Isaac Newton kept returning to alchemy...' 'There's just no money in gravity.'

Pasteur and those who came before him and failed.

'Have no fear - I'll have the project completed for you in no time.'

'Dang.'

"I was going to transmute it into gold, and then I read that the base metal market has made a remarkable recovery!"

"Garbage in, great books out."

Virtual Lap Dancing

"Of course you can't replicate my experiments. That's the beauty of them."

"Ulrich, that's bad science and you know it!"

"Since I've been using this organic stuff my potions are far more effective."

"After all these years, I'm sure of only one thing: when I heat the liquid, it boils."