Misunderstood Philosopher Pillows

"I got a real tough penance from the priest. He told me to do a decade of the rosary. The good news is I only have one more year to go."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

"Geez, from way up here it almost looks like there’s hope for humanity."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

"Ideas that jump from noggin when head not yet screwed on."

Reverse psychology

'The school. My counselor told me to make the most of it...'

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"Hang on, I know I came into the kitchen for something..."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'Do you have anything for absent-mindedness?'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

National #@*&%!$@? Tourettes Institute *&%!$

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"Is it always so cloudy?"

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

Lost and forgotten department

Palm Reader...

"It Works For Us."

Personnel. You've learned from your mistakes? Wow! I feel awed in the presence of so much education!

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

"Oh my God -- I just remembered I can fly."

Elderly man at top of stairs with a revolver and an axe: 'I've completely forgotten why I came upstairs.'

Quiet!