Irreverent Philosopher Pillows

'Ignore him, he always makes such a fuss when he has a cold.'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Ideas that jump from noggin when head not yet screwed on."

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

Beyond the known and the unknown.

'Actually, I don't get out much. I spend most of my time alone, writing lyrical novels celebrating nature and the interconnectedness of all living things!'

Nonsense Poem

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"Hang on, I know I came into the kitchen for something..."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"The good news is it's brightening up..."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'Do you have anything for absent-mindedness?'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"It Works For Us."

"So anyway, I found a worm on the path the other day and carried it to safety. Then I hear: 'Hey! I was heading the other way!"

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether money can buy happiness."