Misstep Enthusiast Pillows

'No, no, I've gone through all the steps in the procedure and I don't see anything about totally immersing yourself in oil before starting the job!!

A Vase has fallen on a cat's head. Are mice to blame?

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

'I'm a perfect little angel while I'm asleep. It's being awake that causes me trouble.'

'This is going to be good, he's taking water balloons into the board meeting.'

-'Okay Rebel, find the drugs.' -'Are you kidding? There's dirty underwear here!'

'The sleepover was great Mum: Timmy's house is a pigsty just like ours...'

The hall of bad ideas.

"If the jumper cables don't work, I'll pour more motor oil on the keys."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

'How do people without a middle name know when the're in trouble?'

"Oh, sorry—I think I just butt-summoned you."

Magician hitting someone while performing a trick.

Parisian Misguided Tours.

'Wellington!...Come take a look at this!...I've never seen anything like it!...Some sort of early sun worship etching perhaps!'

spellchecker

'I just faxed my tie to our Des Moines office.'

It had been a good life, filled with passion and joy, tender bonds, and finally one irretrievable error.

'I thought you'd like to know the cat got down from the roof by itself.'

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

"It feeds blood to our brains...and that makes us smarter!"

"He had his binoculars back to front!"

"Over the river and through a ridiculous detour that has us in the middle of who-knows-where, to Grandfather’s house we go!"

Discus accidents.

'Some things are better left unsaid but I never know what they are until after I've said them.'

"Doreen, the cat's after the parrot again!"

Restroom Practical Joke.

Dyslexic Palm Reading

'You have to clean it yourself. There is no delete key.'

"It's hard to trust those Beanbirds. They're always 'up' to something!"

"Mom is pretty certain I'm on my third guardian angel by now."

"It might be a better trick if you didn't use see-through glass"

"You threw the wrench again, didn't you?"

"The card you are thinking of is... the fifth of Jacks!"