Miserly Master Gifts

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

"Have you been eating the paste again, Todd?"

Charles Addams.

"I accidentally shredded an important document, so I'm trying to piece it back together. It should only take a few years."

The day Bob finally understood radiation of species.

"Billy's room gets cleaned for free! The cleaning service uses it to train employees how to clean a hazardous waste dump."

'Okay, Noah...I'm going to tell you again. Listen very carefully this time.'

Neil Young

"Wow! You're a real good guesser, mom...that's exactly what we had at Jonny's party! Spaghetti an' cake an' ice cream!"

"I did what you asked and got rid of my white mice."

Edgar Allan Poe

My friend here is being FAR too modest! He's not just ANY bartender! Karl's the guy who invented the Fuzzy Navel!'

'I hate to tell you... it's not 'amber waves of gain'.'

Houdini's infancy.

"So which one of you pesky dogs stole the last cookie from the bottom of the jar?"

"I thought you meant we had a security leak."

'My Death Story....chapter one...'

Clancy: Around here we call that progress!

'It hasn't been a complete failure - we've learned volumes about falling.'

"Who would've thought Ms. Marcus had so little sense of humor?"

For the third time that week somebody had super-glued the manager to his seat. It was great for team morale.

'Did you see my ball come by here?'

'How'd you get out of time-out??. . . Dude, if you do the crime, you do the time.'

Change of Management - Fortunes Told

"But this way I know where everything is."

I wonder what the kids are up to at the lake. Your mom will keep her eyes on them. She won't let them get into trouble. Nothing gets by her! ZZZZ. Psst. My silence isn't free!

"Look at you! Dirty all over! I told you not to play with your ink!!"

'I don't really have a personal best. I'm just sort of OK all the time.'

Martha Stewart at Home.

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

Magician conjures up a crocodile and is chased by it

'As a baby sitter, you shouldn't think of me as a bratty kid...think of me as a jobs creator!'

Picasso's Blues Period

'Andy, I want you to put on this clown outfit and hand out balloons today.'

"Oh, good! Lucille is sending me some stuff!"