Military Intelligence Officer Gifts

'Bob, you're fired as Estimator of Enemy Numbers.'

"We're slipping you this decoration, K-43, in recognition of your distinguished service in military intelligence."

"It's just as I feared - we're on Santa's naughty list."

"And this is the new spy satellite we're building to spy of the spy satellite spying on our spy satellite."

"I know we have some invisible ink somewhere but we can never find it..."

The Anti-Agent

Hate Platforms

America, are we learning anything?

'To most people, 1984 is just a novel; around here it's our instruction manual.'

Neo-International Law

"Don't you think it's time we talked about Operation Doug?"

"Postwar is hell."

'This one's for marrying him, and this one's for raising the kids.'

Military Medals

HDQTRS division, Motor Pool and Covert Ops.

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

Kid to mom: 'Tell me again about the time you helped fortress a city, subdue hostile fire and got home and baked us all raspberry strudels.'

CIA report

"Does anyone know anything about spyware?"

Decorated officer - 'And these are for keeping my pants up.'

'I was in a camouflage unit, so this one is for Hide and Seek.'

When Engineers Crack.

'This one is for serving 27 years in the military without anyone finding out I'm gay.'

Crony Capitalism (Always Follow the Money Trail)

"Either we spend millions on new technology to erase each agent's memory following a sensitive assignment, or we just start hiring people over fifty."

"Check the setting. I'm sure the CIA isn't hacking into our appliances just to burn your toast."

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

"It's essential I go to work to avoid being with my family."

'You can come down a peg. Mesopotamia gave the world bureaucracy, you know.'

'Any wilderness skills besides making smores?'

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

'General, please hire large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny.'

Giant pandas doing surveillance in a zoo.

"The first one is for graduating from basic training. The rest are classified."

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'