Middle-aged Marvel Pillows

'Even though I'm in my fifties I feel I'm in the prime of life.'

"Honestly, Paula, I don't know what I'd do without our daily keggers."

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

Classic Movie Remakes (for people your age)

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

"Do you think we're a storybook romance transformed into a textbook case?"

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

Hot flashes

'Well, if they don't go chuff chuff anymore. . . how do they go?'

'Someone told him life begins at forty. Now he's reserving his energies!'

Sale. We need something that will meet our growing backsides.

'Dang.'

Luke Warm & Over E-Z: The World's Blandest Rappers.

'You know you're 40 when...'

'I've reached that age where I've given up on Mind Over Matter and am concentrating on Mind Over Bladder.'

"Armand, which summer did we become chair people?"

"Good news, we found a plant the cured baldness."

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

'A cocoon? Boy, he is having a mid-life crisis!'

'No batteries needed, but you have to be menopausal to make them work.'

'Look, can't you take it in turns to do the daily Sudoku?'

Live: Middle Aged Men

"I'm not actually 40 this year but that's the birthday I celebrate every year."

"Admit it, Mary. You've been having hot flashes, again, haven't you?"

"Exactly what type of hormone replacement therapy are you taking?"

"I was attracted to his 'come to bed eyes', but over the years they've become 'go to sleep eyes'."

Middle-Aged Punk...

"You did that just to be a jerk."

'It's middle age spread.' 'I can't believe I'm not thinner.'

"I'm not kidding, Phil! You really ARE the poster child for middle-aged, disillusioned and down-hearted businessmen everywhere!"

"I can't remember the last time I ran my fingers through your hair."

You say you had a misspent youth? Yeah, and I'm doing my middle age on credit.