Merlot Devotee T-Shirts

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

'A cheeky red?'

Happy Hour

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"We're hoping for a really smooth wine here."

Ball as water-melon.

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Redhead

Monitor lizard becomes milk monitor.

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'We loved this book. Twenty nine experts tell you how to think independently.'

Red Wine

'After a Gadzillon glasses of milk and cookies who wouldn't have an upset stomach?'

A very fine vintage

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

'There's over 500,000 different wines? Bernie, we've got work to do!'

Spilled Milk

What your guitar says about you.

A man sits behind a table in a book store with a sign that reads "Take the author to lunch 1 P.M."

'I've never heard of a lactose intolerant cow!'

'I finally kicked the fire breathing habit, now I'm stuck on mints and I'm gaining weight.'

"And while you're waiting for your drinks can I get you something from the bar?"

'What on earth made you think of growing water melons in the bath Henry?'

'If I wrote you a prescription for red wine, I'll bet you wouldn't complain about having to take it five times a day.'

The statue of Lactity.

'Single or double?'

'The accountants can wait, Tell them I'm tied up in a meeting with representatives from Pomerol Pommard,'

The miracle of genetic engineering

'Has this kid's book been Oprah-approved?'

'Miaow??'