Merlot Devotee Gifts

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

'You wanna play another round?' 'Sure....tender, another round!'

'A cheeky red?'

Happy Hour

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"We're hoping for a really smooth wine here."

Ball as water-melon.

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Monitor lizard becomes milk monitor.

Redhead

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'We loved this book. Twenty nine experts tell you how to think independently.'

Red Wine

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

'After a Gadzillon glasses of milk and cookies who wouldn't have an upset stomach?'

'There's over 500,000 different wines? Bernie, we've got work to do!'

A very fine vintage

"Bill Gates, the richest man in the world, is a nerd!"

Spilled Milk

A man sits behind a table in a book store with a sign that reads "Take the author to lunch 1 P.M."

What your guitar says about you.

At Mary Higgins Clark's book club.

'I've never heard of a lactose intolerant cow!'

'I finally kicked the fire breathing habit, now I'm stuck on mints and I'm gaining weight.'

"And while you're waiting for your drinks can I get you something from the bar?"

'What on earth made you think of growing water melons in the bath Henry?'

'Single or double?'

'If I wrote you a prescription for red wine, I'll bet you wouldn't complain about having to take it five times a day.'

The statue of Lactity.

"Honestly, I came here to drink your blood, but this claret is positively delightful!"

The miracle of genetic engineering

'The accountants can wait, Tell them I'm tied up in a meeting with representatives from Pomerol Pommard,'

'Has this kid's book been Oprah-approved?'