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'Unless you rob a bank or get a raise in the next 5 minutes, there's nothing here we can afford.'

"I did not listen carefully, and, yes, the menu options had changed..."

"It's intimidating to order coffee here. You need to speak Barista as a second language!"

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

'We can order Lebanese, Thai, Italian, Indian, Greek or Chinese...'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

'Ooo! The dog food sounds good! ... mind you, I always have that at home.'

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

'You know, you can do this all online now.'

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

"I recommend number five if you have only $20 so that you can still leave a tip."

Coffee

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'Whatever he's eating.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

Coffee Menu

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

'Now what? Everything I can pronounce is OFF!'

'The customer is always right...'

Pizza with Extra Extra Cheese.

'Hard or soft science?'

Heart Disease Menu

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."