Memory Sharer Pillows

What's your earliest memory, Randy? Good question, little buddy. I was five years old. An alien crash-landed and I found it hiding in my closet. I befriended it and taught it to have fun. But eventually it got sick, and the government stepped in. That's when I helped the alien make its escape and reunited it with its parents. That sounds awfully familiar, Randy. I was a child. When some writer offered to option the story in return for a pack of Bubblicious, I thought it was a good deal.

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

Where was I?

"I love that you still call me 'honey'."

". . . and now it's his memory. Three times on Saturday he asked me what day it was. Or did I already tell you that earlier?"

"You wake up after 100 years and the first thing you do is check your phone?"

Wanna talk about it?

'I couldn't remember your exact age.'

"Congratulations! It's a boy! Quickly nurse! Get her phone and upload a picture to facebook!"

'Mom, can't we stop to look at the Grand Canyon?'

"Well...at least you don't s**t on my ideas."

"Now, is this the kind of painting you mommy would be proud to post on her Instagram?"

"Remember the days we could drink and party all night and we thought guys in their 50's were old geezers?"

"Look, previous, your video got 954 likes this morning!"

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

"I feel like my emotional baggage is permanently stuck on the luggage carousel."

'You know, it isn't the mother's texting while delivering that bothers, it's those damn selfies they upload to Facebook.

"It's my box of secrets. It has things I've thought about but would never tell anyone!"

"First of all, this conversation never happened."

"We'd like somewhere off the beaten track but Instagram friendly."

'This reminds me of something funny. Remember the day I was shopping in that china shop and suddenly sneezed?'

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

"Slow down. This stuff is gold, I’m tellin’ ya! Gold!"

". . .Release the Grunwalds now! Do not make us resort to force!"

If Dogs Made Perfume

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

"Everyone here is bonding over pictures of their dogs."

"As you can see this is pretty embarrassing so I'd appreciate keeping it between you, me and this fence post."

'She blogged her first word today.'

I used to swing from chandeliers. Now I move as quickly as possible from restroom to restroom.

"Your daughter has 'I have something to share' syndrome."

Couple in bed. Man says: 'Are you BLOGGING this?'

"We'll you're never gonna get it."