Mediocrity Enthusiast Pillows

'I gave up hope of receiving a Genius Grant years ago. Now I'm basically shooting for the less impressive Mediocrity Grant.'

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'As you can see,we run a completely paperless office.'

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

Party-Crashing Ban

"Goodnight, Dan, you handsome devil!"

American Venn diagram

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Militant Pacifists

'Not only can I not find the middle class tax cut, I can't find the middle class.'

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"

"My parents just raised my home school tuition."

Multiple personalities with blogs.

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

Surgical Self-Service

'A lackluster style got me to where I am, and a lackluster style is going to keep me here.'

Now You're Talking

"He can't speak to you at the moment - he's bonding with his compensation package."

I knew we were in uncharted waters when our chickens started asking questions like these:

Time for today's dose of emotional manipulation...

"I'm afraid it's the bankruptcy virus."

"See? No socialists."

'Though we must innovate, and though we must grow, we must never lose sight of our core mediocrities.'

"Of course I'm proud to work here... Why do you ask?

'Oh great,,, More protesters getting on our case about how the magazine industry creates 'unrealistic standards' for the human body,'