Mediocre Master Gifts

'I don't really have a personal best. I'm just sort of OK all the time.'

'We're making progress. I just got a firm 'maybe'.'

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

"I wanted a Meticulous Monday or a Thorough Thursday report. This reads more like a Frivolous Friday."

Pull the udder one

"This is bad work, Edwards! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad!"

The Bare Minimum

How to identify the alarming mood swings of male menopause.

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

'I can't decide weather to have a feisty or a sassy management style.'

My friend here is being FAR too modest! He's not just ANY bartender! Karl's the guy who invented the Fuzzy Navel!'

Half-A**ed Publishing Presents...

"Experience is the wonderful knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

Employees need to be treated like adults...

Cubits? Haven't You gone metric yet?

The original sundial.

'Treat me easy this morning.'

"It's funny. . . I know it's the renaissance, but I keep writing dark ages on my checks!"

'Please don't read anything into the minutes, Ms. Thomas. Just reading the minutes will suffice.'

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Park? I'm stuck. Dr. Noodle. I'm paralyzed. I'm not making any progress. Honestly, I'm lost in the trees. I've lost sight of my goals. My health units are low. Units? Unseen enemies are everywhere. I can't sleep. I'm not eating. You're not making sense. Who am I kidding? You're right. The truth? Fine, I admit it. I can't get past level 5!!! I don't do video game counseling. If my mom loved me more, I'd be able to find more ammo.

Change of Management - Fortunes Told

'What do you mean, you've used up your advance?'

'Are you worried about layoffs?'

"We're all metric now..."

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

Andrés Iniesta

"Dang! This guy's good!"

'That's three strikes. You're Out!'

Checking watch

'Absent any details, in purely visual terms, I like it.'

Executive's in and out boxes are labeled - One Ear and The Other.

"Right, - I've released the Kraken....um...er....now how do I retrieve the Kraken...?"

"I demand to speak with the manager!"

'Looks like he's hitting his targets'

"You just self-deprecated yourself right out of a job."