Medical Paranoia Observer T-Shirts

"I'm guessing you're a germaphobe?"

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

No Immediate Danger

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"You dropped yer wallet."

'Whatever it is, you've got it bad and that ain't good.'

'Es-yay. E's-hay ere-hay ight-ray ow-nay and-ay e-hay oesn't-day uspect-say a ing-thay!'

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."

'Under new business, is anyone wearing a wire?'

'Do you get the feeling we're being watched?'

"It's great things are back to normal, except that there are people everywhere."

'I can feel it, Henderson - Someone out there is up to no good.'

"Bernie has fear of commitment - He thinks the American Psychiatric Association is out to get him."

Phrenological matrimonial bureau

It's 10PM. Do you know if you're under electronic surveillance from a spy satellite?

We have control of you brain.

'Talk about paranoid. He reads the fine print on his money.'

'I'm not a guru. I just came up here until the ebola scare goes away.'

'You tell me - IS the sky out to get you?'

Closed system: Worry-powered TV set.

'Well, we've probed and diagnosed you thoroughly and still have found nothing. Now Dr. Thompson here would like you to lie down in his office for a special 'hypochondria scan.''

'I think a grim reaper is following me...'

'You've got hypochondria.'

'Really, a foreign wine? What will the NSA think?'

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

"Trust me, this place is worth the wait."

Optimistic Paranoia.

"Handwriting analysis has revealed that Spencer is not in fact my husband."

'Did you ever have a feeling you're being watched?'

'Sit tight — I'm going to call for backup.'

'But what if it IS as bad as I think?'