Medical Misadventure Fan Pillows

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Who wants to be examined first?'

Dog forced to return bone

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."