Medical Misadventure Fan Pillows

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Who wants to be examined first?'

Dog forced to return bone

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."