Medical Memoirist Gifts

Surgeons Benefit From Operation.

'I'm sending you to a specialist.. don't tell him you know me.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

I'm currently working on my autobiography. Would you care to help make page 327 interesting?

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Cures for Ye Plague

'Oh, I'm just writing a tender memoir or my long ago affair with J.F.K...it's filled with pathos and sad wishful longing...'

'Feed a cold, starve the plague.'

'How the heck could we lose a $14,000 pacemaker?!'

"I turned five. That's why I'm here. What are you in for?"

Edward Jenner

Leeches, lucky charms, rat catching. The secretary of health is in.

Rudy, I loved your memoir. It was fascinating. The way you overcame huge odds to invent the computer. How you went on to protect us from government surveillance. You know none of it's true. The way you swore yourself to humility. People so want to believe a good story.

Pharmaco. He writes drug side effect warnings. Ah, a health scare provider.

Early Blood Draw

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

John Snow

J. Greeble, MD: Practice limited to simple, straightforward, old-fashioned diseases.

'I'm thinking of doing an illustrated memoir.'

"Out of the way amateur!"

"I think your problem is heartbeat-from-mouth syndrome."

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

An early medical case ripe for a malpractice lawsuit.

'In this practice we like to have the best of the old with the best of the new.'

Jugular Vein

"We use leeches on the test subjects and slugs on the control group."

"So why is it that we only get to see you whenever you need a gruesome amputation?"

'It appears you've arrived here because of some medical gobbledygook, so, to put it simply, you can now go home.'

Medical Journal. I edited the article on pulmonary treatments. Now I need to write an abstract summarizing it. Ah, making a lung story short.

'I'm afraid you've contracted one of the more literal strains of human rhinovirus.'

Florence Nightingale

Early Anaesthesia