Medical Knowledge Gifts

'I haven't got all your results back from the labs, but an initial 'off the cuff' diagnosis would be that you're a 'heart attack waiting to happen.'

"I suggest you get more iron in your system and get the lead out."

"He was choking, so I performed a Heimlich maneuver that I saw on a medical documentary. . . Oh, hang on. It may have been a Bruce Lee documentary."

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

2021

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

'Medical school's been more challenging since the cadavers turned into zombies.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"His first out-of-body experience."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

vaccine wars.

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

A midwife holding a baby

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Captain Ahab searched for a vaccine.

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

Lactose Intolerant

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"Your contents have shifted."

"The first one's just a warning."