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"It's just a sprain. But let me put a cast on it so you won't look like an idiot for screaming like a freakin' schoolgirl."

"Mr. Hudson, it's time for your hearing test."

'Well, if you insist on a second opinion...Then it isn't Sciatica.'

Stil Bloody Waiting Room

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

'So what seems to be the problem?'

'Sir, have you filled your little cup, yet?'

'It's the crackle and pop I'm not looking forward to!'

'What bandage? That's your bill.'

"So, Doc - how long have you been drawing blood?"

"If you enjoyed heart surgery you might also enjoy major bowel surgery."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

Happy Birthday to you.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'